In-Laws and Marriage: How Couples Therapy Can Help You Manage Relationship Tensions
Written by: Gather & Ground Wellness - Vancouver Counselling Clinic
When two people come together in marriage, they are not only joining their lives but also, in many ways, their families. While this blending of families can bring joy, support, and connection, it can also lead to misunderstandings, unspoken expectations, and conflict. In-law tensions are among the most common stressors in marriage, and when left unresolved, they can place strain on even the strongest partnerships. Couples therapy provides a safe, structured space for partners to address these challenges together, fostering healthier communication and mutual understanding.
Why In-Law Relationships Can Be Challenging
Every family carries its own traditions, communication styles, and boundaries. When these collide within a marriage, partners may feel caught between loyalty to their spouse and loyalty to their parents or extended family. Common sources of tension include:
Differing expectations: One family may have a strong culture of involvement, while the other values independence.
Boundaries: Parents may unintentionally overstep, offering unsolicited advice or inserting themselves into decisions.
Holidays and traditions: Negotiating where to spend special occasions can become a recurring conflict.
Perceived favoritism: A spouse may feel overlooked or less important compared to the influence of in-laws.
These issues are rarely about one disagreement but rather about the larger patterns of communication and boundaries that shape the couple’s daily lives.
The Role of Couples Therapy
Couples therapy offers a neutral, supportive environment where both partners can express their feelings openly without fear of judgment. A therapist helps couples explore how in-law dynamics are impacting their relationship, and more importantly, how they can work together as a team. Rather than focusing on assigning blame, therapy emphasizes collaboration, understanding, and skill-building.
Some of the most beneficial outcomes of therapy in these situations include:
Strengthening communication skills so that each partner feels heard and respected.
Clarifying boundaries and developing strategies to maintain them consistently.
Reducing defensiveness by encouraging empathy and perspective-taking.
Reinforcing the couple’s bond so they feel united in navigating family challenges.
Strategies for Coping with In-Law Tensions
While every couple’s situation is unique, there are several strategies that can help partners manage in-law dynamics more effectively. These approaches can be practiced at home and refined further within therapy.
1. Prioritize the Couple’s Relationship
Marriage works best when the partnership takes precedence. This does not mean disregarding parents or extended family, but rather ensuring that decisions are made with the couple’s needs at the center. Partners who present a united front reduce the likelihood of outside influence causing division. Couples therapy helps partners articulate their shared values, making it easier to approach family issues with consistency.
2. Establish Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are essential in maintaining balance between closeness and independence. This might involve deciding how often visits will occur, what topics are off-limits for discussion, or how to handle unsolicited advice. Boundaries should be communicated respectfully but firmly, with both partners supporting one another in upholding them.
3. Improve Communication Skills
Many conflicts with in-laws escalate because couples struggle to communicate effectively with each other first. Therapy can equip partners with tools such as “I feel” statements, active listening, and time-outs during heated moments. When communication is strong between partners, it becomes easier to handle external stressors without resentment building.
4. Manage Expectations Around Traditions and Holidays
Holidays often highlight in-law tensions, with competing expectations about where to celebrate and how. Couples benefit from discussing these issues proactively rather than waiting until the last minute. Some may choose to alternate years, host their own traditions, or split time between families. The key is compromise and a willingness to create new traditions that reflect the couple’s life together.
5. Practice Empathy and Perspective-Taking
Understanding that in-laws are often motivated by love, concern, or fear of losing closeness can soften conflicts. Encouraging empathy does not excuse overstepping behavior, but it can reduce anger and help couples respond more calmly. Therapy can guide partners in reframing their interpretations, making space for compassion while still protecting boundaries.
6. Develop a Team Approach
Approaching in-law challenges as a team strengthens the couple’s bond. Rather than one partner feeling isolated or forced to “choose sides,” both partners can collaborate on solutions. This mindset turns a potential source of division into an opportunity for growth and unity.
When to Seek Professional Support
It may be time to consider therapy when in-law tensions:
Create recurring arguments that never seem to resolve.
Leave one or both partners feeling unsupported or unheard.
Interfere with intimacy, trust, or overall satisfaction in the marriage.
Lead to avoidance of family gatherings out of fear of conflict.
Professional support provides tools for breaking cycles of frustration and creating new, healthier patterns. By learning to navigate these dynamics together, couples often find their relationship becomes stronger, more resilient, and better prepared for other challenges life may bring.
Moving Forward Together
Navigating relationships with in-laws can be challenging, but it is far from impossible. With open communication, clear boundaries, and a strong sense of teamwork, couples can transform these tensions into opportunities for growth. Couples therapy offers a pathway to achieving this balance, ensuring that both partners feel supported and respected while still maintaining meaningful family connections.
Ultimately, marriage thrives when couples stand together. By addressing in-law challenges with compassion and strategy, partners can protect the foundation of their relationship and build a future grounded in unity, respect, and love.
Phone: 604-418-8827
Email: hello@gatherandground.ca