Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style: Do Avoidants Even Care?

Written by: Kristie Burkett, RP-Qualifying, MACP Candidate

Attachment styles often come up as a topic in therapy, particularly the avoidant attachment style. If you're curious about what avoidant attachment means or suspect that you or someone close to you might lean towards this style, read along to find our more about avoidant attachment and what it means in relationships.

What is Avoidant Attachment Style?

Avoidant attachment is one of the several attachment styles developed in early childhood, as theorized by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby. It describes individuals who tend to keep an emotional distance from others, often putting themselves and their want for independence over close relationships.

“Avoidants”, as some refer to people with avoidant attachment, might seem standoffish, dismissive, or even overly focused on their work or hobbies - not because they don't value relationships, but because closeness can feel uncomfortably vulnerable to them.

But Do Avoidants Even Care?

This is a question counsellors hear often, and it's loaded with confusion and hurt, especially from those who love someone with an avoidant style. The short answer is:

Yes, they do care.

However, their way of showing care may be different to yours if you tend to swing towards the anxious attachment realm and may be harder to access!

Avoidant individuals have the same need for connection and love as anyone else; they've just learned to suppress these needs, often due to experiences in their early life where vulnerability was met with rejection or indifference. They protect themselves against the potential emotional pain by maintaining a safe distance.

Understanding Their Perspective

Imagine for a moment that opening up emotionally feels like standing on a cliff. For someone with an avoidant attachment style, the fear of falling is so intense that they choose to stay miles away from the edge, believing it's safer to admire the view from afar. This doesn't mean they don't see the value in relationships; they're just extremely careful about getting too close to the edge.

Navigating Relationships with Avoidant Individuals

If you're in a relationship with someone who exhibits avoidant tendencies, or if you recognize these traits in yourself, here are a few tips to foster understanding and closeness:

Patience is Key

Change doesn't happen overnight, especially when it comes to attachment styles. Patience and understanding can go a long way.

Communicate Openly and Honestly

Avoidants may not be great at reading between the lines or understanding unspoken needs.

Clear communication about your feelings and needs is very important to ensuring your partner knows what you need and how to meet those needs.

Respect Boundaries

For avoidant individuals, having their boundaries respected is very important. It reassures them that they can maintain their sense of self while being close to others.

Encourage Independence

Supporting each other's independence can strengthen the relationship. It allows avoidant individuals to feel safe, knowing their need for space is respected.

Seek Professional Support

A counsellor can be helpful in understanding and navigating the complexities of attachment styles.

Everyone has the capacity for growth and change.

With empathy, patience, and support, it's possible to build meaningful, fulfilling relationships, no matter the attachment style.

If you’re looking for more information about how to navigate your own attachment style, or that of your partner, our counsellors are ready to help. Reach out to see how we can support you and refer to our attachment-based therapy page for more information!